Sorry, Criminal Minds, we’re breaking up (it’s not me, it’s you).

Posted By on April 9, 2015

About halfway through last night’s episode of Criminal Minds, I looked at my daughter and said, “If this was a book, I would have stopped reading by now”.

The episode was touted as an event because there were guest stars from various CSI shows and this hideous lady from Breaking Bad. Why was she hideous? From her first line to her last, her acting skills were non-existent. And watching her try to use facial expressions was just damn painful. I kept wondering how she had managed an acting career.

But that’s not why I would have stopped reading if the episode had been a book. It was the gratuitous leaps of logic.

One of the victims from Florida had both salt and fresh water in his lungs. JJ points out that the Everglades is fresh water, the Gulf salt water. Therefore the victim was killed where those two meet. Boom, suddenly that was the only possible place he could have been killed. A map of Florida shows up on the screen, clearly marked is all the rivers of Florida that run to meet the ocean. But to the BAU, those don’t seem to exist. The only water that matters, of course, is where they’ve instantly concluded is the crime scene. Within seconds, they know exactly where the murder happened.

The killer sometimes wears an orange hat, sometimes blue. From this they know he’s Dutch. Hey, if I wear a blue hat today and an orange hat tomorrow, I, too, can be Dutch. Oh the fun!

The team figures out the killer is holding the family he has kidnapped on a boat, so they use satellite imaging to pick out all the boats currently offshore. Not only that, they know the exact size of the boat they’re looking for, narrowing the satellite image. They also know it’s black and white. There is absolutely no explanation of how they know the boat in question is black and white. But, miracle of all miracles, that narrows the choices from the satellite image to one boat. ONE BOAT out of hundreds is black and white. Okayyyyyy. But let’s take it one step further, this whole satellite imaging and winnowing down takes roughly 1.5 seconds.

By this point, I’m totally disgusted. I can’t suspend my sense of disbelief that far.

My daughter points out it’s ‘just a show’.

The team races to the boat to save the family, who are in imminent danger of death. The madman is, at that second, ready to take them out. In fact, he’s already thrown the young boy overboard. I think the kid is ten. He’s tossed over, his hands are bound with a zip-tie. Bad news for him, right? I mean, it would be very difficult to swim with your hands bound behind you. But perhaps he can manage to float until help comes.

So, here’s the team, swooping in to save the day. They arrive in big noisy boats. And a helicopter. Let me repeat that, there is a helicopter hovering low right next to the killer’s boat. It’s really strange that the killer doesn’t hear any of that. Nope. The first clue he gets that his plan is being foiled is when JJ and Derek board the vessel, guns drawn and hollering. Yeah, I know, because choppers are really hard to notice.

The killer is killed, cause that’s how it goes. Then the team realizes the kid is overboard and start a search. Is he floating in the sea? Has he managed to tread water with no use of his arms? Of course not. That crafty kid has managed to swim quite far from where he was thrown off, and then heave himself into the rowboat that had earlier been released from the killer’s boat in an escape attempt. With his hands tied behind his back. Good job, kiddo. You must have had a dolphin helping you. There’s no sign of a dolphin, no mention of a dolphin. But that makes as much sense as you being able to pull that off with no arms.

This was not the first Criminal Minds episode I’ve watched that made me grind my teeth because of this kind of stuff. But it was, by far, the worst. This whole season has been pretty far-fetched ridiculous when it comes to the BAU agents. I don’t think I can bring myself to waste that hour of my time anymore.

Today, I learned the whole purpose for all the guest stars on this episode was to serve as a spin-off, Criminal Minds Beyond Borders. No thank you. No, effing thank you.

The best part of the show last night? Gary Sinise. Every time he came onscreen my daughter exclaimed “Lieutenant Dan!” And that, my friends, was ridiculously entertaining.


2 Responses to “Sorry, Criminal Minds, we’re breaking up (it’s not me, it’s you).”

  1. admin says:

    And why I’m so glad you return the favor! Catch those plot holes!

  2. This is why I’m *SO* glad you beta-read my work — this right here. Thank you!!

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